I got an interesting email from a reader earlier this week. He asked about a specific situation that I’ve noticed happening recently, but at the same time, it seems to have always happened in one form or another.
The reader writes:
“I just broke up with my ex last week and this was the first time that I approached women in Seoul. I was at an outdoor concert with some coworkers and saw a cute girl sitting not far from us. There were 3 girls and one guy (coworker with one and not dating any of them) in the group. I ended up chatting with them for about 10-15 minutes. Everything seemed to be going well, and as I was finishing the conversation, I mentioned that I didn’t know very many people in Seoul and it would be great to hang out with them. To be honest I don’t remember exactly what they said or what I said, but the girl closest to me asked me if I was on Instagram. I said that I wasn’t but that I do have Kakao and offered to exchange IDs. At that point, the guy said that I should start using Instagram so that I could “meet fancy ladies.” That created a rather awkward moment, and at that point, I asked the girl again about Kakao. There wasn’t much of a response and I didn’t want to linger, so I politely excused myself and went back to my friends empty-handed. To be honest, I thought asking for my Instagram was a bit of a polite way to say Fuck off, so I didn’t try too hard after that.
All of my friends that I was with are foreigners most of whom are either married to other foreigners or just moved here a few weeks ago as well. When I went back and told my friends, one said that asking for my Instagram was a good thing and meant she was interested. This was very confusing for me. So the question is, should her asking about Instagram be perceived as a good signal or a polite way to reject? Is not having, nor wanting to have an Instagram account, possibly going to be problematic in the future?”
Okay players, let’s unpack this!
First of all, of course you don’t need to have an Instagram account. Hell, if you’ve read my article about Facebook, then you’ll know you don’t need one of those either! Honestly, no man old enough to consent to sex needs to have any of these things, they are not in any way necessary to get laid in Korea.
Now that I think about it, I have never had sex with a girl who I was online ‘friends’ with before hooking up. Of course I’ve tried, just like every man alive has tried, and failed every single time. It just doesn’t go in that order, being their friend first and then having sex is completely backwards.
Not to worry, fellow technophobes! Papa Jack is here to give you the answer to your problems! First though, let’s look at your specific situation…
You’re talking to a girl and things are going well. You go for the digits, but she asks for your Facebook / Instagram / whatever bullshit is popular these days. You know this will lead nowhere so you decline. Mission: Get Her Number has failed.
How do we salvage an interaction like this?
First and foremost, don’t worry too much about any one interaction. Some will succeed and some will fail, especially if you just broke up and you’re getting back into the swing of things. You have to let these situations roll off your back like water off a duck.
That being said, there are several things you could have done to improve your interaction here. The first obstacle is the Korean guy. Whether they mean to or not, they are the biggest cockblocks out of any country I’ve ever been to. If the guy was actually cool with letting you have one of these girls, possibly his coworker, then he would have left the conversation so you could talk without him. Having a Korean guy in the conversation is an unknown variable, but it is almost certainly not going to work in your favor.
If the Korean guy is the same age or older than the girls then he functions in a big brother capacity. In fact, this is so true that the girls actually call him by the Korean word for big brother. If that girl’s actual older brother were there with her, do you think that hitting on her would go well? Of course not, and this is the same situation, as he proved when he suggested you get on Instagram to “meet fancy ladies.” What he was really saying is, “Not MY fancy ladies!”
This takes us to the next step – Isolate! You said there were three girls there. Unless you’ve got the rapt attention of the whole group, you need to choose the one you’re interested in (or who seems most receptive if that’s your style) and get away from the group somehow. This sounds more difficult than it really is. In this situation you’re at an outdoor concert venue. The first thing that springs to my head is to offer to buy beers for the group but make her come along with you. You can say you don’t know the way to the beer vendor and ask her to show you or you can say you need extra hands to carry the four beers. Any excuse that gets you and her away from the group will work, but if we’re aiming for seduction then a little alcohol goes a long way.
Once you have her separated, you can run your standard game on her and build more attraction. Since you’re relatively new to Korea, you will certainly have a lot of questions about it and Koreans are especially proud and nationalistic. Play to that and get her to tell you about cool stuff, especially asking about where in Korea she lives. If you’re near her then great, and if not then choose a place near her and say you go there all the time. It doesn’t have to be true, but anyone in Seoul lives relatively close to either Hongdae, Itaewon, Gangnam, or Konkuk, which are the 4 biggest party spots.
*Side Note* If you don’t yet know the basic geography of Seoul, then you should probably learn at least the subway lines. However until then, a genuinely interested-sounding “Oh I don’t know that place, is it any good?” will work well for you. If she says it’s good, ask her to show you around. If she says it’s not good, suggest a place you actually do know and like.
Once you have a location in common, that’s a perfect time to grab the digits and set up a date. She’s separated from the group and just one on one with you, you’re already going to get a drink together, and you both like the same spots. Can’t miss.
Sounds too good to be true…
Now, I know that this is an ideal scenario and things don’t always work out perfectly. For the sake of the analysis, let’s say that the isolation attempt didn’t work.
At this point, you have two options: 1) Eject, or 2) Go all in with the whole group.
There’s no shame in ejecting if it seems like a waste of time and energy, but if your personality and game will allow you to charm the whole group then you still have a very strong shot at getting the number.
In order to do this, the most important thing is to keep everyone laughing and (mostly) be the center of attention. This can neutralize the big brother if he feels like he’s in on the joke.
The amateur player would think that flattery or kind words to the Chosen One might work here, but that would be a big mistake. If you start throwing out beautiful’s or milady’s, you sound weird and you’re dead in the water.
Instead what you want to do is turn the girls against each other. Remember, they all view the other guy as a big brother, so they don’t view him as a man in a romantic sense. You are the only male attention left in this group, he might as well be Elmo.
In order to play the girls off each other, you don’t want to say anything mean or insidious. The real goal here is to get them vying for your attention and approval over each other. Given the chance, girls will turn catty on each other in an instant.
My favorite move in a situation like this is to point one girl out and say, “I can see that you’re the pretty one of the group, but…” point to a different girl, “You seem like you’re probably the smart one.” Point to the third, “And what about you? Maybe you’re the… hm… how do I say this? You’ve had a lot of ‘boyfriends’ haven’t you?” Use air quotes if you want to make it even cheekier. You can also use different adjectives, it really doesn’t matter as long as one of the monikers is good (pretty), one is mediocre (smart), and one is bad (slutty).
The best part about this move is that you don’t have to be right at all! The girls will instantly start assigning each other adjectives and positions in the hierarchy, almost like a reverse game of Fuck, Marry, Kill.
What this move does in a group of girls (assuming they are relatively well acquainted) is create total chaos and in-fighting among them. The big brother, who knows at least one of them well, will laugh along with you! (Protip: Try to avoid calling his coworker slutty unless she really looks it.)
They will fight and argue to not be the slutty one, but they will do it by starting to out each other’s’ secrets. It makes great fodder to tease them, especially if they start asking you to rate their attractiveness by numbers. If that happens, always aim way too high or way too low. Encourage the cattiness! The added bonus is that Big Brother will find it all very amusing as well.
After a little bit of that, you can either isolate the girl you’ve chosen by trying to make a beer run again, (Girls, all this arguing is making me thirsty. Come help me carry some beers.) or you can go straight for the number (Well this has certainly been an interesting afternoon, but my friends are waiting for me. Drop your digits in so we can argue again some time!) If you choose to isolate, go back to the first section and follow procedure.
When you do decide to go for the number, one important thing to remember is that you should never ask first. You need to go into the sentence with your phone already out, opening it up to the number or Kakao ID page. You then hand her the phone and say something along the lines of, “Drop your number/ID in here, we can do this again soon.” When you phrase it as more of a command than a question, her natural reaction will be to follow it.
But wait! What if she STILL asks for my Instagram?
Ah, right. We’re back to solving the original problem. Don’t worry players, I haven’t forgotten you!
Let’s get one thing straight. Even if you do have an InstaFaceTweetPlus, you cannot give it to her.
Read that one more time. DO NOT give her your profile.
If she adds you on her social platform of choice, then you will forever be “that funny guy from the concert.” She will not fuck you. Not gonna happen, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
What you should do instead is come back with some kind of response that indicates you will not be her ‘friend’ and makes her feel a strong emotion. It almost doesn’t matter what that emotion is either, guilt works just as well as a laugh in this situation.
Depending on how you want to come off to her, here are some sample lines you can use:
Silly – “Oh, I don’t eat food interesting enough to take pictures of.”
“If I joined Instagram I would break the Internet. Then Kim Kardashian would sue me!”
“I got kicked off for exceeding my daily duck face limit.”
Chastising – “I could do that… but I’m a grown up and I use my phone like one.”
“Instagram? Wait, are you even old enough to drink?”
“Not enough likes on your food pics, huh?”
Sarcastic – “That’s a great idea! Now we can stalk each other without ever speaking again!”
“Ohhhh… you’re one of those girls!”
“Like, oh-em-gee, I was like, totally, just like going to say that!”
Ignorant – “That’s like Facebook… without the book part. Right?”
“Wait, isn’t that where girls post pictures of their ass to get a higher rating than their friends?”
These should all help to deflect the social media questions, regardless of what platform she chooses. It also will give you a very clear picture of where you stand with her – she will either break frame and give you her number (meaning she’s actually interested), or she will insist on the social media and you can safely eject.
To my reader and all you players out there, I hope that this advice helps you solve your issues and avoid the dreaded Facebook Friend Zone. And remember, if you have any questions or frustrations with the Korean women in your life, you can contact me here or email me directly at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Til next time boys!