Good looks. Physical attractiveness. Handsomeness. Ruggedness. Allure, glamor, or shapeliness. Whatever you want to call it, it’s one of the most basic building blocks of attraction and seduction. Those who have it know it, and those who don’t have it wish they did. Thousands of guys all around the world believe that they could never attract a woman because they don’t think of themselves as good looking. But then there are just as many anecdotes floating around about very average looking guys that get with stunningly hot women. This begs the question and a real discussion:
How much do looks REALLY matter?
If you take to the internet in general, or especially to manosphere blogs like Return of Kings, you’ll find a lot of different views on this subject. Some writers say that looks are a key factor to getting with the best looking women, and they aren’t wrong about that. Other writers say that looks can easily be overcome with a sufficient bodybuilding regimen and a lot of personality, which is arguably more important in the overall arc of any given seduction. They are also not wrong. Then there are also some guys who claim you can reprogram a woman’s brain to ignore your looks with neurolinguistics programming. You can safely ignore them.
The thing is that looks really do matter. Anyone who tells you otherwise is most certainly trying to sell you something. The real question here is not whether or not they matter, but how much they matter. This is where I come down a little differently than most other writers I’ve read online.
I believe that looks do matter, but they only really matter as much as you think they do. I’m not specifically talking about limiting beliefs, though if you have any of these, you need to get rid of them right away. What I’m talking about is more about how much you care about what they think about your looks.
If you don’t care what she thinks about your looks and it shows, she won’t care either.
Now to try and explain this a little bit, let me start with a metaphor. Imagine that a mother and her child are walking down the street. The child stumbles and falls to his knees but is not hurt. If the mother rushes down to ask if he’s okay and is overly worried about him, the child will think he was hurt worse than he really was and begin to cry. If instead the mother simply offers her hand to the child to help him up, he will realize it’s not a big deal and keep walking normally.
In this same vein, when you seem to care too much about your looks or you are trying to cover something up, it will become the main focus of a girl’s attention in any given interaction. If instead you simply don’t give a shit about the dark circles under your eyes from too much partying or about the small stain on your shirt from the kimchi at lunchtime, they won’t care either. After all, we’re all human and nobody honestly expects (or wants) perfection. In fact, you can even turn these things into strong talking points in a conversation. Bring up the stain on your shirt and laugh about it, saying you were learning how to make kimchi fried rice earlier in the day and segue it into something more interesting that also demonstrates your value. The important thing is to not draw attention to your flaws and instead accentuate your strengths.
This doesn’t mean that you can roll up to a nightclub dressed like a beach bum and still do well, but it does mean that your innate physical attractiveness is not very important. Whatever you’re trying to do, you still have to dress and look the part, but there are a thousand tips out there on how to accentuate your physical features, whatever they are.
If you need to look nice for a special occasion, learn how to wear a suit well. If you’re concerned about your looks because you’re getting older, learn how to stay looking young. If your face lacks definition and you want to cover that up, grow a beard and learn how to wear it well.
As a personal example, I am a rather average looking guy. Not fit and muscular, but not obese, I have a small beer belly that pooches out a bit. I’m rather average height, clocking in at about 5’11”, and usually sporting a beard because I’m too lazy to shave. I dislike dressing up and I dislike nightclubs, so most of the time that I go out, it’s just in a T-shirt and jeans or shorts in the summer time. Since my preferences dictate my fashion more than my desire to get laid does, I find a way to work with it. For me personally, I’ve found that having my guitar on my back matches well with my devil may care attitude about my looks in general and allows me to get away with a lot more than most guys. The best part is that for all the hundreds of times I’ve taken my guitar out with me, I’ve never once had a girl challenge me as to whether or not I can actually play it.
My point is not that you should start taking a guitar with you when you try to pick up girls because that might not work for your style and personality. What I’m getting at is that you need to figure out what your style is, what look you feel comfortable with, because that’s the best way to loosen up and have more success when talking with girls. Once you’re comfortable with your physical presentation, the rest of it will come out much easier. You’ll be able to get started earlier, carry it through the night, and seal it up with more successes to come.