What’s up, players?
Recently, I’ve been spending a lot more time coaching guys in person. Several of them are already experienced in game and looking for an edge in dealing with the animal that is the K-Girl, but some of them were young bucks who had very little experience with game and girls in general.
Working with new guys is always a great experience for me because it helps me get back to the very roots of game. A lot of the time, we focus too much on the intricacies and higher-level concepts and we forget the most important basic aspects. Instead of talking about advanced game theory and female psychology, sometimes it’s far more helpful to take a step back and make sure you’ve got your foundation built before you start designing a mansion above it.
Here are 6 crucial points that I re-learned and reinforced while working with aspiring players.
1. Leading the Interaction is Key
As soon as I sit down with a guy who’s new to the game, the first question is always the same:
“What should I say to a girl to make her like me?”
The short answer to this question is, “Whatever the hell you want,”… but that doesn’t feel like much of an explanation, now does it?
Instead of trying to explain how to open an interaction with ridiculous jargon or giving stupid canned pickup lines, I found that it’s been far more effective to demonstrate. I offered one student to give me anything to say and I would successfully open a girl with it. He suggested that I open a girl by telling her she had big hands.
I opened her by telling her that my friend and I had a bet about who had bigger hands, made a slight tease of her big hands, and seconds later I was laughing with the girl while holding her hand. About 2 minutes later I had her number in my phone and got a kiss on the cheek before leaving her to giggle about it with her friend. The point of the demonstration wasn’t to show my particular pickup prowess, but instead to prove that what you say doesn’t matter at all! If you say something with confidence and follow through with it, you can quickly build comfort and attraction, as I showed previously. Unless a girl is absolutely uninterested in you, she will follow your lead and let you see the interaction through to the end, which should end with at least a number exchange.
This is the most difficult skill for new players to develop but it’s also the most important. Owning the interaction and leading it from start to finish is the key to getting what you want out of it. One of the reasons it’s so difficult is because it’s easy to understand mentally, but much more difficult to understand and accept emotionally.
If you doubt the importance of this point or are having a hard time accepting it, look at it from the other side for a moment.
You’re an attractive Korean girl. You’re sitting in a cafe having coffee with your friend of years, talking about TV dramas, celebrity gossip, and having a perfectly normal and vapid day. You might notice two foreigners come into the coffee shop out of the corner of your eye, but you don’t pay much attention to them. Just when your friend is getting to the good part about the witty thing Jeong Suk said to her lazy boyfriend, one of those foreign guys comes over to you and starts speaking to you in a foreign language.
Path 1) He looks nervous and shyly smiles at you. He says that you’re pretty and asks your name. He keeps his hands in his pocket and he looks uncomfortable in his own skin. He’s looking at the ground as much as he’s looking at you. He’s a little cute, but more like a puppy dog than a man. You glance at your friend and she gives an almost imperceptible shake of her head. You feign shyness and cover your mouth, mumbling just loud enough for him to hear, “Oh sorry…. Englishie no….” and he defeatedly walks back to his table.
Path 2) His swagger and posture exhibit a certain confidence as he comes near. Before he begins speaking, he catches your eye and holds eye contact with a sly grin on his face. He begins talking as he approaches, but you can’t entirely understand what he’s saying. Something about a bet? His hand? Your hand? Before you realize it, he’s holding his hand up to you like he’s giving you a high five, and you’re bringing your hand up to meet his. He maintains his eye contact with you the whole time, and he keeps talking, not too fast but just fast enough that you don’t catch all of it. He’s measuring your hand next to his and telling you that you have big hands, but he’s laughing about it. He doesn’t look too serious, it must be a joke, even if you don’t get it. Oh, now he’s holding your hand like he’s your long time lover and he starts laughing at what he said. Your friend is laughing with him and you laugh along. Next thing you know, his phone is out and he’s asking for your number. You tell him out of habit, along with your name and how to spell it. After he puts it in he leans in to hug you and say bye (for now), and he’s giving you a small kiss on the cheek. He points at his own and asks you to return the kiss, which of course you do. Now as the mysterious stranger gets up and walks back to his own friend, you get a tingle of excitement hoping that he will contact you again soon.
Now of course this is a bit editorialized for the sake of imagining what the girl experiences, but you get the point. The guy who waits for her to give him permission will fail every time. The guy who simply takes control and leads the interaction will get much further every time. Always lead the girl the way you want and never stop to ask for permission – her compliance is tacet permission. This leads directly into the next point…
2. Hesitation is Death
One of the most important things you can do to lead an interaction is to simply keep going in whichever direction you want the interaction to move. The moment that you hesitate or visibly second guess yourself, she will too and you’re now dead in the water.
The main focus of any approach is to have fun with what you’re doing and bring her along for the ride. To that end, you need to keep things going because silence is rarely ever interesting in an approach.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t change what you’re doing or break your normal routine. That’s perfectly acceptable and even encouraged, as you will learn more things that work (or don’t) and practice thinking on your feet.
However, it does mean that you can’t stop and stutter, hum and haw about what to do or say next.
And the worst thing you can do is ask her what she wants to do or talk about!
Simply put, you must keep the conversation and the activities going in your own way without hesitation.
To this end, you should develop a batch of fun lines, questions, statements, observations, and the like that you can draw on whenever you feel your mind coming to a blank. I went over several of these examples in Step 2 of my previous post that you can check for inspiration if needed, but it’s much better for you to create your own so they are more congruent to your own style.
You should also never feel ashamed or embarrassed to try something new if an idea strikes you out in the field. There are no right or wrong answers, there is only experimentation, and through that, you will find what works and doesn’t work for your style and the types of girls you approach.
3. Understanding the Types is Crucial
When I first started creating the Types of Korean Girls years ago, it was mainly an exercise in identifying the different personality traits and an easy way to reference them in writing and speaking. However, over the years, I learned that knowing and understanding them is even more important than I realized.
Being able to spot the Type of girl you are approaching and calibrate your game to fit her is absolutely integral to having real and repeatable success with Korean women. Those who make the mistake of ignoring the Type upon approach are doomed to failure – myself included.
Just last weekend, I was out coaching an experienced veteran looking to tighten up his game. He spotted a beautiful girl walking by and pointed her out to me. I went up to approach her, and as I got near, I realized my mistake and watched the train wreck happen in real time. You see, I was still on cruise control from talking to the standard Hongdae girls, most of whom are Prudes, Alcoholics, Friends, and some Sluts. This girl was a clear-cut Attention Whore, and my approach was not at all calibrated to what she needed to hear. I was blown out unceremoniously and went back to my student. I explained to him exactly what I had done wrong and why it was such a critical mistake, urging him to not make the same error.
I similarly urge the rest of you to also not fall into the trap of having only one style or one routine. Allow my failure to be your learning point.
In order to master the art of seduction in Korea, it is truly imperative that you are able to not only identify the different Types while you’re out and about, but also be able to subtly alter your style and approach to fit the specific Type you are approaching.
This does take a great deal of trial and error, but the work will pay dividends when you are able to approach any Type of girl at any place and time with a much higher chance of success.
4. Success is Cumulative, Failure is Learning
One of the biggest differences between newbies to the game and veterans is how they react after an approach. Often when coaching an absolute newbie, after sending him off to do an approach, he will come back to me and say that the approach went well and they had a ‘good connection,’ but she had to leave for an appointment so he couldn’t get the number. The veteran will come back to me and tell me what he did right, what he did wrong, and how he can fix it in the future.
Where the diverge is in having the experience to recognize a failure and analyze why it likely went the way it did.
When I’m coaching someone, it’s not like the movie Hitch. I don’t have an earpiece in, and I’m not telling them what to say every minute of the conversation. Instead, I’m usually watching through my periphery from a little way out. I might hear bits and pieces of the conversation, but what I’m most focused on is the body language that both parties are putting out. With only that, I can usually understand what’s happening quite well.
When the new guy comes back saying that the approach went well, I’ll usually notice cues that he didn’t, like her subconsciously turning her body away from him or acting like she wanted to leave. She will sometimes make moves to walk around him, and once leaving will speed up her walk to get away faster. If he reaches in to touch her hand or arm, she will recoil in a way to protect her body. These actions, even when unintentional, betray true thoughts that her words may contradict out of politeness.
I’ll explain those things to him, and at first he’ll feel dejected and sad. He has failed and now realizes the extent of that failure. But more importantly, he will learn from it and figure out what to look for the next time, as well as ways to prevent that and better hold a woman’s attention. These are important components that very few people are born with the ability to execute well, so while the failure might be painful at first, it is also an important learning step. It is how one becomes the veteran who can see his mistakes as they’re happening and begin to correct them on the fly.
Conversely, once my students begin having success, they also notice that success begets success. Once achieved, the success begins to snowball, compounding on itself and creating a very high self-confidence that leads to a solid string of wins.
In order to reach that point, one must accept the need for failures early on. These failures must be used to learn, not ignored. By ignoring your failures, not only are you losing the chance to use them as a springboard toward success, but you are also damning yourself to repeat them over and over until you eventually give up.
By paying attention to the details of why you failed and using them as a point to learn more, you can grow and move much quicker toward the eventual end goal.
One of the best ways to do this is to sign up for one-on-one coaching or boot camps with me.
More Info: Coaching and Boot Camps
If that’s not possible for some reason, try to find a friend to go out with you and critique each other. If you have a reasonable amount of experience, a friend with similar or lesser experience is okay. However, if you are completely new to the game, you need someone with more experience than you that can notice the details and help you improve more. Going out with a buddy or a wingman will not help you improve significantly, as you will both miss the key details that will lead to growth and improvement.
It’s important to note that this is significantly different from just going out with a friend or a wing to ‘talk to chicks.’ You are likely at a point where you will gain more from a failure than a success, and it’s important that your counterpart is able to give you valuable, constructive criticism to help you achieve that.
5. The Language Barrier is Negligible
One of the biggest concerns of new guys coming to Korea is the language barrier. Korean is an incredibly difficult language to master, and even the initial learning curve is quite steep compared to other difficult languages like Japanese. Koreans are not used to speaking Korean with foreigners, and often when a beginner tries to talk to them, they simply can’t understand him. His pronunciation may even be perfect, but simply by dint of his skin color, she will not be mentally prepared to accept his conversation.
The good news however is that all Koreans learn English from elementary school all the way through university, many of them even starting in kindergarten or earlier. Because of this, any Korean under the age of 40 (and definitely in our target age range) have been force-fed English for practically their whole lives.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that they are all fluent or that they were all good students, as any English teacher in Korea will readily attest. However, it does mean that you don’t have to learn Korean to be able to communicate with them.
“But wait, Papa Jack!” I can hear you shouting at your screen, “Last weekend a girl told me ‘Sorry, no Englishie…’ and walked away!”
Yes, I am well aware. I’ve also heard that one many times. It took me about 4 or 5 years here before I finally figured this out, so pay close attention and learn from my mistakes.
Any K-girl’s level of English is directly proportional to how attractive she finds you.
This is a tough one to accept at first, because it means that a girl saying, “No English” is actually just giving you a hard no, but this is 100% true.
The reason it took me so long to figure this out is because, well first it’s just uncomfortable to accept, but second, it took me that long to become so proficient in Korean that language is clearly not the issue.
When I was fed this line, I tried responding back in Korean, “No problem, let’s just speak in Korean then!”
Pop Quiz Time! Do you think that the lack of language barrier brought them back to the conversation?
Answer: Hell no it didn’t!
The girls who were using that line were next’ing me, but they were trying to be kinder about it than simply walking away.
I only tell you this to illustrate the point that, except in certain very specific cases, knowing or not knowing Korean will not alter the outcome of your approach.
While learning Korean is a very fun and worthwhile experience, if your only reason for doing so is to talk to girls (like mine initially was), you will be much better served by improving your game than your Korean skills.
I’ve proven this time and again by coaching guys fresh off the plane to Korea who had zero Korean language ability and leading them to great success without learning a word of the language.
6. Street Game is Still King
This one really speaks for itself.
If you’re looking for your best return on investment in terms of time and money spent versus results achieved, there’s nothing better than Street Game. That applies to both day and night.
Sure, bars and clubs can be fun. They self-select for a certain Type of girl (Alcoholics, Foreigner Lovers, and Sluts mainly) that are quick to go home with guys. I get all that, believe me, I really do.
That being said though, if you show up in the bar or club and your game is sub-par, do you think you’ll actually improve there? Highly unlikely. So where do you improve?
Street Game, of course.
What if you’re not really interested in the Types that frequent bars and clubs?
What if you’re looking to meet the most girls in the shortest amount of time so you can get a date set up for every night of the week?
Note: There’s an argument to be made for subway game here, but I would avoid that for the time being. Corona has basically removed effective subway game for the moment.
“But Papa Jack, what about when it’s raining?”
All the easier to pull an instadate, my dear.
“But Papa Jack, won’t I get blown out a lot?”
All the faster to find the next of a million girls on the street, my dear.
“But Papa Jack, Street Game is scary and makes my ego quake with fear!”
Shut the fuck up and grow a set, my dear.
I realize I’m making light of the situation and the feelings that go with it, which are very real and understandable. However, you have to learn to overcome those issues if you want to grow and improve.
Point in Practice
Last weekend while coaching, we met a group of guys who seemed pretty cool, so we ended up having dinner together. While talking with them, one guy said he had great game. My student asked how many girls he had approached that day, and he was baffled.
“None,” he said. “I don’t talk to girls on the street, that’s too hard. I just meet them in bars.”
“Ah, okay,” my student replied. “So when was the last time you got laid?”
“Well, I don’t really need to get laid, I’m not so needy like you guys apparently are…” he pathetically dodged.
Clearly this guy who thought he had good game wasn’t getting laid in the bars. I posit that it’s likely because his game wasn’t really very good, and he’d never bothered testing it on the street to find out.
If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball. Similarly, if you can pull on the street, you can pull in the bar.
By putting yourself in the more difficult situation to find success, you’ll find that bars suddenly become easy mode. If you ignore Street Game though, you do it at your own peril, and you will find yourself struggling for years merely hoping to ‘get lucky’ at the bar some night.
These are the 6 most important points that I’ve learned (again) in the recent months of coaching guys at all different levels.
Each of these is important to your overall success with women, regardless of whether you’re looking for a one night stand or a wife.
If you have any questions about these or have other points you think should be included, leave them in the comments below!
And for those of you who are struggling with some of these points, I highly recommend signing up for coaching or boot camps with me! You can find more information about it here, or email me for more details here.
Til next time, players!