What’s going on players?
A while back, I wrote the first part in the Game in a Nutshell series where I taught you all about how to approach girls. I went through it step by step and gave multiple different openers you can use and detailed exactly how to use them with examples.
Now that you’ve actually approached her though… What comes next?
Today we’re going to go through the conversation that you should have with a woman once you’ve approached her, and I’m going to break down every single part of it for you!
Some good news for you older (or more culturally literate) fellows out there – you already know the steps to follow! As Alec Baldwin famously taught us in Glengarry Glen Ross, you need to follow AIDA: Attention, Interest, Decision, Action.
Going through them step by step, I’m going to detail exactly how you can 1) Get Her Attention, 2) Generate Interest, 3) Bring Her to Decision, and 5) Get Her to Act.
NOTE: Throughout this guide, I give rough time estimates of how long things should take. These are not exact, but instead are a rough guide for an ‘average’ interaction. These assume that the approach is happening on the street. If you’re in a bar or other venue where you can chat longer, things will go a bit longer. Experiment with using more or less of the different steps to find what works best for your style in different venues and locations.
Step 1 – Get Her Attention (The Opener)
Upon your initial approach, the first thing you’re looking for is her attention. I’ve seen a depressing number of men attempt to approach a woman and simply fail to get her attention – she just keeps walking. If you can’t get her attention, there’s NO WAY you’re going to get her number, much less anything else from her.
The keys to getting her attention during the opener are being obvious, unique, and firm.
All three of these are crucial to your success, but this order is like the order of operations in elementary school math class – they all must succeed in the proper sequence.
The first one is being obvious. This means that she must see you, know that you are specifically approaching her, and have no doubt in her mind that you are trying to get her attention. Nobody else will do. If you do this right, the rest of the world will become slightly muted while you two have your interaction.
Many men are far too timid when they approach a woman, or they approach from behind or another less obvious position. While side and rear approaches can work if necessary, you will always be much better approaching from the front so there is no doubt about who you are trying to talk to.
Your instinct will be to hide as much as possible, to try to avoid confrontational things like eye contact even. These instincts are there to preserve your ego – the nemesis of success – should your approach fail. Your subconscious brain will be thinking, “If I don’t put myself out there completely, then it’s not a complete rejection.” You need to ignore those instincts and push through in order to begin the interaction.
Once it is obvious that you are approaching, you need to be unique.
If you’re an absolute beginner, try just copying some of the openers that I gave at first. Once you’ve used it a couple of times, try reworking it to fit your own personal style or a situation around you. These will all come off as genuine and unique if they’re used properly.
Another technique you can try for a unique approach is an exercise that I do with the men I coach. Write down 3 of the dumbest openers you can think of, literally the first things that come to your head. Don’t be vulgar or rude with them, but don’t be scared to be a bit cheeky or weird with them either. Remember, your goal here is to be unique.
Polite and respectful is common – the opposite of unique.
Some real examples we used in a recent coaching session:
- Wow, you look just like my sister! I absolutely have to get a drink with you and see if our moms look the same too!
- Oh my god, your epidermis is showing! You need to fix that right now!
- I really like to keep my socks on while having sex, is that weird?
The final part of getting her attention is making sure that you keep it. In order to do this, you need to be firm in your approach. There can’t be any wobbling in your voice or any reticence on your part. You can’t eject from the interaction if she isn’t completely sold on you in the first moments. If she says your opener is weird, you can’t apologize and back off from it. I realize that for guys new to this, staying firm in the approach is difficult. It will come with time and practice, but you must push through with it, like anything else that you start as a beginning.
Staying firm in the approach will keep her attention while you begin leading into the rest of the conversation. If she walks away, it’s all over, so you need to keep her attention and eye contact through the opener.
This entire step should take about 15 to 30 seconds. Any longer than that and you will likely lose her attention and she will eject.
This leads us to…
Step 2 – Generate Interest
If you’ve done a good job in getting her attention in step 1, then you will have about 30 seconds now to get her interested enough to stay in the interaction and keep talking with you. This step is the introduction to your conversation and will set the overall tone of your interaction with the woman.
Many guys pay top dollar to learn openers from ‘gurus’ online thinking that the approach is the hardest part of approaching women. Those men will continue to spend more and more money learning openers that “don’t work” because they fail in step 2 – generating interest.
The good news for all you guys is that Papa Jack is here to teach you exactly how to do it, and it won’t cost you a single red cent!
In order to generate interest from a girl who knows nothing about you, you have to say something… well, interesting! Imagine that!
This sounds much harder than it really is though. I have said things in this phase that are dumber than you can imagine, told obvious and outright lies, and a couple of times even totally blanked on what to say, so I just made a strange face and was able to pass Step 2.
The key to this phase of the interaction is just to be different than most men.
The worst thing you can do is ask her ‘interview’ questions.
- What’s your name?
- What’s your job / major?
- Where are you from?
Garbage like this is an instant interaction killer and you should NEVER ask these questions in this step, especially not in this way! The exception to that rule is if you can do it in a fun and interesting way.
The best thing you can do is literally anything else!
Your real goal here is to say something or ask a question that she is not expecting. If you can follow up on your opener, it works even better because that topic already has her attention. Again though, this only works if your statement or question is interesting!
Here are a couple of examples that I would use on this step after the openers I gave before.
- “You look just like my sister…”
- “You know, that’s pretty strange now that I think about it. Do you think you look more like a white girl or my sister looks more like a Korean girl?”
- “My sister was actually adopted when I was young, she’s half Korean and half Martian. Now what does that tell me about you…?”
- “I always get told that I look like a famous Korean celebrity too, actually! Can you guess who?”
- “Your epidermis is showing…”
- “You know, this is a very serious condition! Have you been to see a doctor about it?”
- “Fun fact, I’m actually a doctor of epidermiology, and I just LOVE studying a new epidermis when I get the chance!”
- “We should probably get inside, so people on the street don’t see. How about this bar over here?”
- “I like to keep my socks on…”
- “Oh! But I’m VERY particular about my socks – I only wear socks with Disney princesses. They make me feel pretty!”
- “Have you ever tried it? It’s like your feet are getting a hug the whole time!”
- “So, what kind of socks do you like to wear during sex? I like my Obama socks, I feel like a president with them on!”
These are examples from the top of my head that follow up on those particular openers, but anything different or interesting will work for this step. You’re trying to communicate to her that you are fun, entertaining, or interesting in a way that will improve her life by talking to you for a few minutes.
Don’t feel tied to your opener though, especially if it didn’t land well. You are free to say anything you want in this step, again, if it’s interesting or different.
Here are some lines that have worked for me or I’ve seen others use in this step:
- “Alright, where do you think I’m from? Three guesses only!”
- “You seem like a smart girl. Can you guess what my job is? I’ll give you a hint – I’m not a dolphin trainer!”
- “People in Korea always tell me that I look like (a famous celebrity). What do you think, yes or no?”
- “Welcome to my country! Maybe I can show you around to the cool parts of town!” (If she’s Korean and you’re not)
- “I’m doing a survey around town and I have a question for you: How hot am I? 9 or 10?”
- “Have you ever heard of Papa Jack? I hear he’s really popular in Korea these days! Oh, you haven’t? Hi, I’m Papa Jack!”
These can also be turned around on the girl to ask about her instead if you want, but you still need to keep it with an air of whimsy and unbelievability. If she is smiling or laughing during this step of the interaction, then she’s interested and you’re already beginning on Step 3 – Developing Attraction.
Step 3 – Bring Her to Decision (Develop Attraction)
At this point in the interaction, you should be about 1 to 2 minutes in and she’s not showing signs of wanting to walk away or make an excuse to leave. Now it’s time to help her get to know you better and start developing her attraction for you.
A lot of guys mistakenly think that the only things women are attracted to are looks, money, and status. While women are attracted to these things, they are far from the only factors in how women select mates. If she is still in the conversation with you at this point, then she is at least open to the possibility of considering you as a romantic partner.
This step is the one that will decide whether you end up sharing breakfast or stuck in the Friend Zone.
The two main things you will be focusing on in this part of the interaction is increasing the physical aspect of your interaction and getting her to laugh or smile along with you. These two things create deep attraction, even early on. This is how you get her out of maybe and into yes.
In this part of the interaction, you want to begin bringing in some slight physical escalation. Touching her arm gently, creating a reason to hold her hand, or getting close to whisper a ‘secret’ all work for creating physical attraction.
NOTE: I need to say right now that the physical escalation part of the interaction is the one where most men, especially newbies, fail the hardest. The exact difference between attractive and creepy is almost indiscernible to the untrained eye, but women can feel the difference, and it’s a HUGE difference.
Creepy is the word for how a girl feels when a guy does something unconfidently.
There is no hard definition for it, which is why it gets thrown around all the time seemingly without explanation. Unfortunately, the only way to get good at something is to fail at it many times in practice, but you need an outside set of eyes to let you know what works and what doesn’t. You can go out with a wingman to practice things like this or consider one of my Boot Camps or one-on-one coaching services. Learning how to escalate physically without being weird is a hugely important skill that will absolutely make or break your interactions with women.
Your main goal is for every physical escalation in this phase to be both confident and defensible. You should not be engaging in any hardcore petting or be overly handsy in this phase, we’re merely trying to get the woman to become comfortable with your touch. Being close enough to touch has myriad benefits to increasing attraction, and as a bonus you will also be close enough for some olfactory assistance due to your natural pheromones. I don’t personally recommend wearing cologne unless you naturally stink very badly, or you feel that it truly increases your confidence. Even then, apply it very minimally.
In this part of the conversation, you can begin asking more personal questions about her or telling her more about yourself. Of course, this should all be done in an interesting or funny way.
Teasing is an excellent attraction builder as well because it demonstrates confidence in yourself that shows you do not seek approval. This is not negging. It is light teasing.
Your goal with these is to get her to laugh a bit, maybe even hit you on the arm in an “Oh, you!” kind of way. You don’t want her to feel offended by your words and actions, just a little self-conscious perhaps.
- You may mimic her laugh when she reacts to your jokes if it stands out as particularly cute or different than others.
- If she’s wearing heels, ask her how tall she really is.
- If she’s smoking and you do too, ask her what kind and point out if they are really girly or really manly cigarettes.
Small things like this that tease lightly will usually elicit some smiles and laughs.
This stage of the interaction can last anywhere from 2 to 10 minutes on a street approach, depending on how well it’s going, and if you manage to take her for an insta-date, this is the stage you will stay on. For longer interactions in a venue, this is also the stage you will stay on for most of the time. Start with the advice in here, then continue the good times and laughs while continuing to escalate the physical side of things progressively over time.
You should continue this stage of the interaction until one of the following conditions is met:
- You need (or want) to leave
- She needs (or wants) to leave
- You feel the interaction coming to a natural close
- You begin getting diminishing returns from your attractive behavior
- You have a good shot of taking her home (after a longer interaction or insta-date)
Step 4 – Action (Fuck or Walk)
Alright boys, time to see what you’ve accomplished! At this point in the interaction, things are winding down and it’s time to make the move. We’re looking to get her to make some sort of action that shows she’s interested in pursuing more with you. You’re aiming to leave with one (or more) of the following:
- Her number (least useful)
- Her agreeing to a date (more useful)
Obviously the third is the best outcome for most interactions, but it will only reliably happen after a longer interaction or an insta-date, as previously mentioned.
It should also be mentioned here that while ‘Failure is not an option’ is an excellent mindset to have and hold yourself to, don’t apply that same standard to other people. If the girl wants to leave the interaction, feel free to put up verbal objections or retorts, but never try to force her to stay in set with you, especially not physically.
For most guys, and especially in shorter interactions, it’s best to go for the number. This is the lowest-hanging and least useful fruit of the female tree, however. A number itself doesn’t do a whole lot of good, especially these days when real phone calls are vanishingly rare. Generally speaking, a Kakao contact is as good as a number, but any sort of social media connection is not. I’ve explained this concept much more thoroughly here.
Before I explain the more advanced concepts, let me give you a sample conversation of me taking a girl’s number.
I’ll use the name Minji (super common K-girl name) for the example.
Jack: Hey Minji, it’s been really great talking to you, but I’ve got to get back to my friends. Go ahead and drop your number in my phone and I’ll message you later.
Minji: Oh, okay, sure… *types in number*
J: Alright, I’m saving your number… Here, look, did I spell your name right?
M: Wow, that’s perfect! You can type in Korean too?
J: Of course, dear. Now I’ll call you so you have my… Wait, pop quiz time! What’s my name again? *wink*
M: XXX (If she’s right, I give her a high five and tell her she’s a good girl, if she’s wrong I try to help her remember for maximum 10 seconds before telling her again.)
J: *While calling her number* Now that we have each other’s numbers, it will be easy to set up our next date! Let’s aim for… Saturday evening, maybe around 6? We can sort the details out on Kakao.
You may notice that I pulled out of the interaction first. Ideally, you will always be the one to initiate the end. This keeps you in control and gives you at least a few extra seconds to complete the number dance, with some leeway for silliness or slight objections.
The only way to do this effectively is either to always eject from an interaction early (a very poor strategy), or to develop enough empathy and social awareness that you can sense when she’s about to have to leave. Social awareness is a very difficult skill to build because it’s not a logical skill. There are certainly a number of books available that can teach you about micro expressions and certain body postures that indicate different things, but in the heat of the moment, very little of that actually matters. It’s a pattern recognition game at best, and much more emotion based than most other skills that I teach. This is why I advisedly used the word empathy along with it – you have to be able to feel what she’s feeling. This is exceptionally difficult for the more logic-minded men, who may have a higher IQ but lack in emotional intelligence. Believe me, I understand how difficult this can be. If this describes you, you may have to suffer through more failures than most before you start noticing behavioral patterns that suggest she is preparing to leave. For further development of this skill, I highly recommend in-person coaching so you can see this from the outside looking in. It will shortcut your pattern recognition by allowing you to see it from multiple angles, have specific details pointed out to you, and have someone watch you in-field to show you what you may have missed.
The next thing to point out in the sample set is something I didn’t put into the dialogue. If I’m out to meet girls, I ALWAYS keep my phone on the dialer screen. This saves valuable seconds, but also keeps things much smoother. I pull my phone out of my pocket with one hand, unlock it with the same hand, and hand it to her all while still talking. This makes compliance much easier for them with as little friction as possible before typing their number in. You may think that the 3 seconds it takes you to say, “Hang on… Now put… your number… in here…” isn’t a long time, but believe me when I say I’ve seen this method make or break a number close.
In the middle of my sample set, I gave her a pop quiz to remember my name. This has two effective functions. First, it ensures that she remembers my name, and if she doesn’t then it puts her in such an embarrassing position that she’s unlikely to forget it again soon. Second, and more importantly, it engages the memory and critical thinking portions of her brain, which are different from the emotional decision-making portion. This is important for the next step, as she will be much more likely to agree to your statements without backtracking to think through them.
Because a number or a contact is not actually that useful by itself, I will often try to blend numbers 1 and 2 together, which is a good way of implying that the two are intrinsically linked. You saw this at the end of the sample interaction. If she pushes back and says there’s no agreement of a future date, then ask her what the point of exchanging numbers is. If you can do this with enough incredulity in your voice and face, she’ll feel silly for it. That’s the goal. You want her to second guess separating the two things, because obviously the only reason to give a man your number is that you want to meet him again in the future.
You don’t need to push the date scheduling too hard, and you can laugh it off and accept it if she gives you something like, ‘I need to check my schedule,’ or ‘Let’s see if you keep impressing me.’ However, if she vehemently denies setting something up or is blasé about the whole affair, just walk away. She’s most likely a time waster and really isn’t worth any more of your mental energy. Maybe she’s just still butthurt that you didn’t take her Instagram ID.
Either way, you’re now either leaving with a new lead (and maybe scheduled date) or more free time to approach other girls – A very clear win-win!
Now, let’s go back to the top of this section, forget everything we just learned, and imagine that your interaction went incredibly well. You talked for several minutes and went to get coffee or a drink together on an insta-date, or you’ve been chatting for 20+ minutes at a bar and the attraction is strong.
At this point, you have the chance to take her home. Whether you go for this move or not is going to depend on the situation – what you want from the girl, how much free time you and she have, the logistics of getting to your place, her level of physical interest and response to you, and innumerable other variables. However, if you’re going to try for this, DO NOT take her number first. Taking her number is the end of the interaction, and it is almost always unrecoverable.
Now, you may be asking, “Papa Jack, does this mean I have to try to take her home or take her number, but not both?”
During day or street game, yes, but let me explain why.
If you attempt to take her home and she doesn’t want to go, you still have two options.
1) Take her number now, or 2) Wait a little bit and try again.
She is unlikely to deny the number at this point, but I personally recommend Option 2.
It can be summed up most simply in this flowchart. Simply replace the word bang with go home.
You, of course, are free to take her number and leave at any point. However, be aware that unless she indicates otherwise, that number will likely not lead anywhere. You may still get it, but you will always be the guy who tried to take her home immediately after meeting her. She’s either the type to go for that and you’re failing or she’s not the type and she will be wary of meeting you again. (Protip: If you’re good at it, they’re all that type.)
The previous caveat is mostly meant for insta-dates however, as girls from a bar or other similar venue will not punish you for this kind of behavior as it’s expected in those places.
Now you have successfully concluded your interaction, you will either be walking away with a shiny new number or a shiny new girl. Congratulations! It’s no easy feat to get to this point, and you should be proud of yourself for all successes and progress you make!
In the next installment of Game in a Nutshell, I will be going through the details of what to do on a date as well as what to do when you eventually get her back to your place!
Til next time,