“You know what the happiest animal in the world is? A goldfish.
Know why? It’s got a 10 second memory.
Be a goldfish, Sam.”
Apart from being a great scene from one of the best shows ever written, this line from Ted Lasso can teach us all something very important.
It teaches us that, in order to be happy, successful, and continue to improve, we need to let go of our past mistakes and move on.
The bigger question though is exactly how one can do that.
“How can I forget about that stupid thing I said / did? She stopped talking to me after that!”
This is something I’ve heard a thousand times from different guys I’ve coached over the years, and I continue hearing it to this day. And I’ll admit to you right now, it is not an easy thing to do. It’s certainly not a natural thing to do either. It’s hardwired into us as humans.
That said, it is possible. And beyond that, it is necessary if you want to be successful with women, business, life in general… or “football.”
Let me tell you that I’ve made mistakes. A LOT of mistakes. So many, in fact, that I don’t even know how many. The weird thing though is that unless I really think hard about a particular interaction or relationship I had, I don’t actually remember any of them. None stick in my consciousness, and they don’t hold me back from going into similar situations… Though they do help to inform me of how to act in similar situations.
How am I able to make thousands of mistakes, ranging from fumbling my words to almost getting stabbed by a girl?
Well, here are three simple strategies to getting over your past mistakes and moving on to become better.
1. Expand your Pool of Experiences
In order to forget the mistakes you’ve made, you need to dilute them in your mind. If you’ve only done 3 approached and you made (what you feel are) big mistakes, then it will feel like you ALWAYS make mistakes!
You’re going to need to dilute those experiences down by having more and more interactions with women, which will inevitably lead to more positive experiences. This helps to bring your negative to positive interaction ratio down, but it will also help you develop more confidence.
The fact is that when you’re just starting out, you’re going to make mistakes.
It doesn’t matter if you read a thousand books and blog posts like this, you will still make mistakes early on. However, the things you learn in posts like this and in video courses like this are going to start to make more sense. And that is how you improve.
You may find yourself in a situation, stumble through it as best you can, and then suddenly remember… “Oh yeah! Papa Jack was telling me about this EXACT situation!” Then, and only then, will the seed that was planted start to really sprout and grow. You’ll then be much better prepared for the next time you encounter a similar situation, which leads to more positive experiences, which helps dilute the negative experiences, which helps you forget them and have more positive experiences… You get it. It’s a positive feedback loop.
“But Papa Jack!” I can hear you screaming into the aether, “If I have a negative mindset, how can I start to have those positive experiences?!”
Well, young padawan, what you need to do is…
2. Be Present in the Moment
I’m not talking about ‘feeling your chakras’ or some other hippy-dippy bullshit, I’m talking about literally, physically, and mentally being present in the moment.
See, one of the biggest issues that a lot of guys have is that they get too inside their own heads. They get caught up in the ‘What should I say?’ and ‘What will she think?’ mentalities. They end up creating their own mental blocks during the conversation because they’re too busy thinking about other shit and not about the girl right in front of you.
This obviously causes conversations to flounder, you to lose your train of thought, and, wait for it….
You make mistakes.
Instead, you need to focus on the conversation you’re having in the present moment. Listen to what she’s saying. Understand what she’s implying. Notice her body language. Notice YOUR body language. She made a joke? Laugh at it. Or tease her about her goofy sense of humor. Or respond with your own joke. Whatever feels right in the moment.
Before you ask me ‘How do I know what feels right?’ let me cut you off. It’s about how it feels, man! It’s not about what IS right, just about what you FEEL is right. Go with your gut. Enjoy the moment. Entertain yourself. Make yourself laugh. Stop worrying about what she might think or say, let her make those determinations for herself. They’re out of your control. Just focus on what you are feeling and let it ride. Then, depending on her reactions to what you say, you can either scrap that joke / line / response or use it again later. You’re just testing out what works to find the optimal conversation flow for your style.
By being present in the moment while talking and not thinking about the past, the future, or how your Aunt Selma smells like Salems and hey isn’t that an anagram for her name, what a coincidence – JUST FOCUS ON THE MOMENT!
Now, I know that some of you feel like you need to be ‘perfect’ to get a girl to like you, and that any mistake you make or slip-up or word fumble will make her not like you, but I have to to tell you something.
You need to…
3. Realize That She’s Human Too
I know you’ve all heard to not put the pussy on a pedestal and not to idolize women. I also know that, especially when you’re younger or inexperienced, it can be difficult to do. The reality though is that she’s human too, just like you.
“So what? Of course I know she’s human Jack!”
Do you though? Because all humans make mistakes. That means she makes mistakes too. In fact, if she’s interested in you, she probably feels like she’s making mistakes in the interaction too. Talking too much, not talking enough, laughing too hard at your joke, not laughing enough… If you think you’re anxious and neurotic, imagine what must be going on in the girl’s head.
On top of making mistakes and worrying about things herself, the fact that she’s human also means that she understands when you make a mistake. She won’t judge you or hold it against you for being imperfect. If she’s interested in you, and she should be if you’re following my conversation guide, then she won’t mind a slip-up here or there. She might even think that it’s cute.
Don’t believe me?
What would you do if the roles were reversed? If she said something embarrassing, or accidentally burped while talking, or whatever mistake it is that you’re so hung up on? How would you react?
Right. Like a human with empathy. You might laugh a bit or tease her some, but you wouldn’t just shut things down because she wasn’t perfect.
Understand that she is human, too.
She won’t punish you for being imperfect, nor does she expect (or want) you to be. So when you do make mistakes, and you will, no matter how much you practice and improve, just own them, laugh at yourself, and move on.
If you follow these three strategies, not only will you learn to make fewer mistakes, but you will learn how to capitalize on the ones you do by brushing them off yourself, understanding that they’re no big deal and figure out how to use them to improve in the future and become the best version of yourself.
Til next time players!