What’s going on players?
I’ve been reading your emails and comments on the forum and taking them all to heart. I often write about advanced game strategies like meeting women on the subway or learning how to spot different types of Korean women or even something like congruence.
By popular request, I’m going to try to bring us back to the basics and focus on the first few levels of game that you should REALLY be learning about.
After all, you can’t go banging broads from the subway if you don’t even know how to approach her in the first place!
This is the first in my “Game in a Nutshell” series, where I break down every single step of beginner-level game to get you talking to girls and on your way to success with Korean women.
Today we’re going to talk about the first thing that everyone wants to know when they’re learning about game…
“Jack, I saw this cute girl but I didn’t talk to her because I didn’t know what to say!”
“Papa Jack, I don’t get how you can just talk to strangers so effortlessly!”
“I dunno.” *Shrug*
Yes, yes, I’ve heard them all, and the good news is that I’m going to break it down for you now, piece by piece.
Step 1 – Choose Your Target Well
Before you can approach a girl, first you have to find her, right?
Ideally, you will read about all the different types of Korean girls and where to find them first. This will give you a good idea of who you’re looking for and where you should be looking.
Once you’ve narrowed that down, or if you just aren’t that picky, then go out hunting!
You’re looking for a girl who is alone or maybe with one friend, but not a man. Korean guys are huge cockblocks and they’ll try to stop you every step of the way if you let them.
In a perfect world, she’s standing still or walking leisurely, maybe window shopping or hanging out at a bar alone. This demonstrates that she is not in a hurry to get somewhere and will probably be more open to your approach.
If she’s wearing headphones, it’s not a deal-breaker, but of course it’s better if she’s not.
Your goal is to scan the street / bar / group (or wherever) to find a girl who you are at least minimally attracted to and seems to be unattached to a man presently. Being alone and having no headphones are just bonuses, not something you can use as an excuse to avoid approaching.
Once you have the girl in your sights, it’s time for…
Step 2 – The Physical Approach
Even though most guys think ‘what to say’ is the hard part of an approach, this step is actually the difficult one. That’s because this one puts you into the game physically, and this is where newbies will get cold feet. You’ll hear part of your brain start making excuses, “Don’t talk to her, she looks like ____ / maybe she’s _____ / I bet she won’t be interested” and other stuff like that.
You MUST ignore these impulses. Your brain is dumb.
Just take the leap and go for it.
If you’re coming from her front, you don’t want to barrel straight into her like a truck. You should come up in front of her, but slightly off-center. You should aim for your body to, if you continued walking straight without stopping, hit about 60% of her body. This means that if you were to both collide, her center would be at about your armpit.
As you come up closer, you should start to slow down and turn your body in toward hers slightly so that you’re now facing diagonally toward her. This should also come with some sort of stop or hold on gesture from your hand so that she can see the visual cue for what you want. Make eye contact with her If she’s uninterested or in a hurry, there should still be plenty of room for her to pass by you without incident.
If you’re coming from behind her, you can jog up the street past her a little ways, then turn around and approach as if you were doing it from the front. You want to create a space buffer of about 2 meters. When doing it this way, you will be a little more deliberate about how you approach and to whom. This is necessary as she will likely notice you going ahead of her and when you turn around to approach her it will be obvious that it is intentional. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s just a slightly different way of approaching. Sometimes this works even better.
There are some who recommend that you come up beside or behind a girl from an angle.
I do not recommend this approach.
In Korea especially, I’ve noticed that most girls are constantly in their own heads and daydreaming a bit as they walk around. They’re also quite jumpy compared to their western counterparts. When approaching from behind, you’re almost certain to elicit a scream or at least a startled jump from them. While there are exceptions, that is game over most of the time.
At this point, you have 1) chosen who to approach and 2) made the physical approach.
Here comes the part you’re probably here to read…
Step 3 – The Verbal Approach
Now, I’m about to make most of you guys angry with what I say next.
It kind of doesn’t matter what you say on the approach. (But I’m going to give you a bunch of lines anyway)
Wait, wait, I can hear you furiously typing angry comments and emails to me already. Put down your rage for a second and let me explain.
When you’re approaching a girl, what you say is only about 10-20% of what she’s going to get from you.
As I’m sure you already know, most of our communication is non-verbal. This is especially true in game.
Don’t believe me? Let’s run a little thought experiment:
Steve Buscemi walks up to a girl and says, “Hey girl, how you doin?”
Chris Hemsworth walks up to a girl and says, “Hey girl, how you doin?”
In your mind, you just pictured two completely different approaches even though the line was the same.
Take looks off the table for just a moment and examine the other things that you pictured in your mind. I’m willing to bet that in your mental picture, Buscemi shuffled / limped over to her, probably looking at the ground. He looked up a girl, who was visibly put off by his demeanor, and delivered a line that was equal parts creepy and terrifying.
Your mental Hemsworth on the other hand probably sauntered over to her, confidently walking with the girl directly in his eyes. He made eye contact with her and held it the whole time. He got just close enough that he was inside her personal space, but not so close that it was uncomfortable, and delivered his line with confidence and gravitas that suggested something far more than the shitty line itself.
This is the concept I’m trying to illustrate here for you – the words themselves are the least important part of the approach. It’s mostly going to be
Now, with that said, you do still need something to say. You can’t just stare at a girl and get any results other than perhaps abject terror.
For some beginner-level strategies, I’ll break down 5 different types of openers you can use: introduction, noticing, opinion, triangulation, and disclosure.
Opener 1 – Introduction
The simplest opener in the world, and one that I have used many times with great success is introduction. This one is very simple, I just go up to a girl with my hand extended for a handshake and say, “Hi, I’m Jack.”
Too simple to work? Think again, there are many parts to this.
First, I’m maintaining eye contact with the girl as I approach. Second, I’m holding my hand out to her, a universal symbol of meeting for the first time and being friendly with one another. It also demands a response both verbally and non-verbally. Third, it gives an almost instant yes/no decision, so you don’t waste any time with someone who isn’t interested.
Assuming she doesn’t walk away or ignore you immediately, she will reciprocate your handshake. This engages an early physical connection that you shouldn’t underestimate. You can casually use your other hand on hers or on her arm to make even more of a physical connection.
She will also tell you her name right away, which is a good start for getting to know each other. I personally have bad hearing, so when she tells me her name, I usually lean in with my ear to hear her better. I also repeat it back to her to make sure I’ve got her name right, a useful trick for remembering it later.
At this point you should start a conversation with her. Depending on your setting, it can go for different lengths of time. On the street, 2-5 minutes it enough to develop enough of a connection to meet again later. Inside a bar or in a small group setting, you can talk for much longer. There’s no real point in taking numbers in a bar if your goal is just to take her to… another bar?
Opener 2 – Noticing
In this opener, my personal favorite, you are looking for something specific about the girl that you want to compliment or comment on.
Many guys think that you should compliment their eyes or smile. Those guys are also lame and don’t get laid.
If you go with this opener, you’re looking for something that they chose themselves – an article of clothing, a piece of jewelry, a tattoo, hair coloring. Anything that catches your eye and wasn’t naturally bestowed upon them by virtue of their genetics. I usually look for specific pieces of jewelry like earrings or necklaces that stand out as different.
One of the most important things with this opener is that your compliment or curiosity must be genuine. If it’s not, they will immediately sense it and it sounds like a line. The other side of this is its greatest benefit though. If you’re being sincere in your statement, it will never sound like a ‘line’. It can only sound bad if you don’t mean it.
When you compliment something that she’s wearing, or even are just curious about it, you can teach in to point at it, or maybe even to touch it. Be careful that you aren’t too touchy as a beginner. It’s very easy to cross the line from curious to creepy if you go too far with it. You also can’t be timid about the way you do this. It’s a very delicate line to walk if you’re going to try to touch the object, so do it at your own risk or wait until I can show you the nuance and subtleties in person.
Once you have opened the conversation by pointing out whatever you’ve chosen, you can easily segue that into more personal conversation.
EX: “Where did you buy that? Oh, in Hongdae? Do you go there often? I know a few good restaurants and pubs there, but it’s a little far from where I live. I guess you live near there?”
Once you’ve begun the personal conversation, continue with it until it’s time for Step 4.
Opener 3 – Opinion
Ah, a classic opener. Any of you who have read Neil Strauss’s The Game will be aware of this one.
It’s a very simple premise. You simply stop a girl to ask her opinion on something. What you choose to ask her about is really not important, it’s more about getting her engaged and emotionally involved with you.
You’ll want to start the same as the other approaches, but instead of giving an introduction or observation you’ll simply say you need her opinion on something.
It’s even better if it’s ridiculous.
Some examples of this:
“Excuse me, but I need your opinion on something. My friend told me that these shoes make my feet look like a clown. What do you think?”
“Hi, could I get your opinion on something? I’m thinking about growing my beard out to look like Osama bin Laden. Do you think it would look good on me?”
“Hey, I have a quick question for you. What’s better, soju or beer? Where’s a good place to get the best _____ in this area?”
These are all very simple, will get her talking with you, and hopefully make her laugh as well. You can also ask something more serious if you want, it’s not actually important.
Another variation on this when you’re with a friend is “settle an argument.” This is a routine that the guys in The Game run, but it still works just fine in real life.
EX: “Hi, could you settle an argument for us? My friend thinks beer is better than soju, but I definitely love soju more. Which do you think is better?”
“Hey, could you help us settle a bet? My friend here thinks that you’re 34 years old, but I don’t think you’re a day over 32! So how old are you?” Even better if she looks 20.
These examples are all ways to get the girl interested and part of the conversation. Once you’ve got her answering questions and laughing along with you, transition into more personal conversation. A very easy transition out of this opener is to basically revert back to Opener 1.
EX: “Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m being rude. My name is Jack, what’s yours?”
Transition, converse, and carry that for a bit until Step 4.
Opener 4 – Triangulation
In this opener, you’re creating a conversation triangle. You and she are the first two points, of course, and the third is a topic of conversation that you can use to find common ground.
The easiest way to do this is to just invent a topic of conversation about something she might know about.
For example, “My sister’s birthday is tomorrow and I was trying to think of what to get her. I noticed your yoga pants and my sister LOVES yoga! Are those good pants? Do you think they’d make a good gift?”
It doesn’t matter if you have a sister or not, that’s not actually the point here. You can use any topic of conversation that you want for this to work –
“I promised my friend I’d show him around Korea, but I have no idea where to take him! Where’s the best tourist spot?”
“I’m trying to see the best Korean movies of the last 20 years, what do you think is one of the best?”
“I’m on a holy mission from God to find the Holy Grail, but I need to know the air-speed velocity of a coconut-laden swallow! Do you know what it is?” (Instadate a girl if she answers this one correctly.)
Another variation on this is to use a physical location or situation to talk about.
“I was thinking about buying a new t-shirt here, but I don’t know. Do you think this is a good store?”
“Did you see that guy in the clown suit and stilts? I think he was advertising a phone shop… Why do they do that?”
“OMG did you just see that? Just 5 minutes ago I saw this guy riding a freakin’ horse down the street! The police were yelling at him, but he just kept riding!”
The best part of this is that it doesn’t even really need to be true. Just make some stuff up and see what kind of reactions you get. Once you get her interest, you transition into personal conversation the same way you did in opener 3.
Carry on until Step 4.
Opener 5 – Disclosure
“Psst… Can I tell you a secret?”
These words will almost always get someone’s interest.
Now, this is an opener that’s much harder to use if you’re running up to a girl, so I would only recommend it in situations where she’s stationary or you can get her to come to you.
This works well if you’re in a bar or if she’s waiting for a friend to arrive. Parks, in front of subway exits, or even on the subway itself.
This opener is more reliant than the others on creativity because the focus is being put on the words you’re saying, but even still, it’s not terribly important.
“Hey, can I tell you a secret? My friend always tries to make me drink beer but I absolutely hate it.”
“Hey, can I tell you a secret? See that girl over there? I’m supposed to meet up with her for a date, but she was much prettier online… I’m not sure what to do.”
“Hey, can I tell you a secret? I’m still drunk from last night. Wanna grab a beer?”
The key with this opener is to be jocular and even a little mischievous, not too serious. If you confess something serious and look serious about it, you will come off as creepy or maybe even scary.
After you tell her your secret, you can ask her to tell you one back. Alternatively, you can fold it in with the Opinion opener and ask her for advice to help with your secret. Aim to get a back and forth dialogue going with her about the secret, then transition over to other topics. You can use a reverse introduction to help you transition:
“OMG I just realized something! I just told you my deepest darkest secret, and I don’t even know your name! We can fix that though, what’s your name?”
If you’re generating enough interest with the topic that you chose, she should have no problem having a short conversation with you.
Carry on that conversation until…
Step 4 – Get the Number or GTFO
Whenever you can feel the conversation beginning to die down (or one of you has to leave), before it hits the bottom you should go for the number or a venue change.
For the numbers, especially on the street, I usually use something like this:
“Hey, it was really great to meet you, but I have to go. I’d love to hang out again some time soon. Drop your number in here and I’ll message you later.”
You should already have your phone set to the dialer screen so that when you unlock it, it’s ready for her. If you’ve built a decent connection, she should give you her number at this point.
Now, remember up on the openers how you told her your name? And then you confirmed her name? Here’s a fun trick to add in:
“Alright, I got your number Minju… Wait! Test time! What’s my name?”
If she remembered your name correctly, give her a high five and call or message her immediately so she can save you in her phone.
If she gets it wrong, you can play offended. Help her guess your name for a few seconds, and if she’s not getting there then just tell her again. Tell her that she must NEVER forget your name again while being playful.
Then test her one more time, just to be sure!
Make sure you leave the interaction on a high note where you’re both having fun. The beginning and the end of the interaction will stay in her mind much more than what happened in the middle.
Now, a number is nice and all, but it’s not really what you’re trying for in these interactions.
An even better ending is… a new beginning!
If you two are vibing and the conversation is going well, go for an instadate before the number.
During daytime, you can make this a quick trip to the coffee shop. Simple and everyone likes at least something on the menu there.
“Hey, I’m really enjoying our conversation, and I have about 10 minutes before I need to leave. Let’s grab a quick cup of coffee together.”
Another option is the waffle cafes all around Korea. K-girls love waffles.
“You know what? I hear that this waffle café is really good, but I haven’t tried it yet. Let’s go try the waffles ourselves and then we’ll know if it’s good or not!”
What about at night though?
Same principle, you just change it to whatever bar / venue you want to go to.
“Hey, I heard that Joon’s bar has the best cocktails in all of Hongdae. How about we have some… sex on the beach?”
Not every girl is going to have the time or inclination to go for this, but if they do then it would be a waste to take just the number. You should never leave something on the table without trying for it.
If she’s not able / willing to join you for an instadate, then you can just take the number anyway.
“That’s alright, let’s just do it next time. Here, put your number in here and…” You know the drill.
Alright, players! That should help you all get some of the nuts and bolts down of the approach and how to do it. I hope that this helps you and gives you some new ideas of how to approach better! If this helped you or you have any more ideas to add, make sure to leave comments below so I know.
Our next “Game in a Nutshell” entry will be about exactly what to talk about and how once you’re in the conversation!
Til next time players!
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[…] while back, I wrote the first part in the Game in a Nutshell series where I taught you all about how to approach girls. I went through it step by step and gave […]